Category: Talk to Steph

Hello Stephanie,

First I want to say how much I love your blog. You are doing something really different here. Well done! I’ll like to share my story: I have been dating this man for a while now, exactly 9 months. After 2 months he introduced me to his family; I now have a close relationship with his mum – I come around to cook her meals, help with the laundry, and lots of chores, I also buy her stuff like I would buy my own mother. Last month we did our introduction and a lot of my relatives and friends were gushing with joy for me. They said I was lucky to find a man as wonderful as my husband-to-be. But something happened only a week after the introduction ceremony. I got a text message from someone who says she is his (my fiancé) ex-wife and they have a son together. I was so shocked, my hands were shaking! I showed the text to my fiancé, and for the first time he told me that yes he has a 5 year old son! But he claimed he was never married to the woman, she is only a baby mama. I have called the woman privately several times after then, and she says she can show me pictures of their traditional wedding. She now leaves in Ghana but says to prove him wrong she’d come to Nigeria to see me and show me evidence of their marriage. I confronted my mother-in-law to be, but she said they only had an elaborate introduction but not a wedding. She shared some of the issues that made her son (my fiancé) leave the woman; claims the woman is diabolical and was going to ruin her son (my fiancé) and so on.

I’m so confused. This family tried to hide a secret that I deserved to know for all of 9 months. I don’t know if I can ever trust him and his mum again. What should I do? Who should I believe? My family members think I should turn a deaf ear to it all and marry my man, only my elder brother is sceptical about it all. Please I need your advice. – Jacinta

Hey people! The last few weeks have been tough due to the Aluu4 issue. That event broke me to pieces, and I am glad some of the perpetrators of the hideous act have been caught. We will get justice for those young men (Amen!). So I am back to normal blogging now! Thanks for all the emails you sent! Below is the regular Talk-to-Steph. Let’s give some advice to Nina.

Dear Stephanie,

I am about getting married to my fiancé in a few months. I am so thankful to have met a man as caring as he is. We’ve dated for 18 months and he proposed last month, everything is set as we countdown to our big day in March 2013. The issue now is…I had dated his father a long time ago when I was a student in University. He was a randy man and used to come to the campus with some of his friends, and with the help of some popular male students, they’d organise girls for him. That was how I met him. I partied with him and his friends for like 6 months before I got pregnant but I got an abortion, and that was when I decided to stop seeing him. I missed the money that came with being his lay but I was proud of my decision. Many years later, I now work in a reputable firm, make my own money and I am a strong believer of God. I have a wonderful relationship with my man and it was whilst we were dating that I realised who his father was. The father is late now, but I’d seen his pictures on my fiancé’s phone and looked through the family album with my soon-to-be mother-in-law and was able to recognise him. The shock almost killed me! Deep down I feel so much guilt; but the man is no longer alive. Do I need to tell my fiancé anything about what I had with his father when I was young and foolish? – Nina

I have been dating a guy for 4 years. When we met he didn’t have a job, he didn’t have any real focus in life. As a Christian, I gave him hope, I loved him and helped him through those tough moments in his life when he was confused and hopeless. There were many times I gave him money to do things and I never asked to be refunded because I felt he was my friend and partner. Finally, with help and prayers and financial/emotional support from me and my family, he got a job and was able to decide the path his life should take. He always seemed genuinely grateful for all I did for him. But after 4 years together I discovered it was all a lie! I found out this man who had sworn to love only me, this man who had confessed he would never leave me, was actually dating someone else even longer than me (they’ve been dating for over 8 years), and they have a 7 year old son together! I learnt that he was so frustrated by the relationship initially that was why he left her in the East and came to Lagos to sort himself out – all of this information just came out a few months back when one of his relatives was burdened with guilt and decided to tell me the truth. Now that he is sorted with a good job, he has sent for this woman and their son (they are not legally married) to join him in Lagos and has refused to pick my calls. I gave 4years, lots of money and all my emotions and love into this relationship. The problem now is, I am pregnant (I have irregular menstrual period so I didn’t know until it was 3months) and when I told him, he just said if I want to have the baby I can have it, without any feelings or care. Was it wrong to have loved this man? I feel so hurt! I know people will just say I should move on and start all over again with my unborn child, but is it easy? Why do people hurt other people so badly?! – Ifeoma

My people, Ifeoma needs some comforting words and some advice. Please your comments might help her through this very confusing and hurtful phase. Thank you all!

–          Stephanie

Dear Stephanie,

I have low sperm count. I don’t want to go into the medical details but that is what it is. I always tell any woman I am with the truth, but they all leave me eventually. I don’t blame them. Every woman wants her own biological child, but I use to think that maybe one out of the many would stay and believe and have faith with me. I am a good man, women say I am a gentleman. I treat women the way they should be treated, I make sacrifices, I provide beyond their expectations, and I understand their issues and stick through the different confusing phases they usually go through. I’m a romantic. But I’m not getting younger. I’ll be 40 next year. So because of my experience with women I have decided not to tell my present girlfriend about my issue. I love her and I don’t want to lose her just because of something that is really not my fault. I want to propose to her on her birthday (October 10) in a big and romantic way. Sometimes I feel like I should risk it and tell her, but I know she’d walk away like all the others even though she loves me. I have heard many miraculous stories of people like me finally having children. I pray it happens to me, but I need to get married first. Am I doing the right thing not telling her? – Williams

Dear Stephanie,

There are two women in my life. One of them (let’s call her Angela) I met during my NYSC four years ago and we’ve been together ever since. I haven’t proposed but our families are seriously aware that we are a couple and everyone is patiently expecting us to drop the date. She is pretty, kind, and seems very understanding for a woman – for example, when I cancel a date with her to watch football with the guys, she never complains; and for a man like me that is a great virtue – but the thing is, Angela has no drive, no ambition, all she wants to be is a wife and mother, and I find that very annoying! The other one (let’s call her Lilian) I met on a random day when my car had issues – she actually stopped to help!!! I was shocked, impressed, and couldn’t believe there was still a human being (especially a woman) like that! Through her help, we got a mechanic around that neighbourhood and the problem was fixed, I wanted to return the favour so I took her out on a date the next week. The truth is, Lilian mesmerizes me! No woman makes me feel the way she does. She is so mature in every way. We talk a lot, she shares valuable ideas on business and life, and I just find her a great inspiration and a wonderful lover! I love Angela – at least I’ve known her longer, but Lilian has a spark! I can’t really explain it – it’s just magic! Lilian has dreams, and that is a great turn-on for me! We’ve been together for one year and I find it so hard to go through the day without calling or meeting up with her!

The two women are unaware of the other’s existence and that makes me feel bad because I am not a man that would intentionally cheat or double-date. What do I do? I hate to be cheating on these wonderful women. I know that ultimately the choice is mine, but if I have to ask, who do you think I should marry? – Chris

*My wonderful people! I got this mail this morning. Kindly give your sincere advice from the depths of your heart where love resides. Thank you* – Stephanie

Dear Stephanie,

I am a 34 year old mother of one. Although I have never been married, I was in a very long and rewarding relationship for 7 years. He died in a sporadic shooting incident that happened in the UK many years ago and since then I shut my heart to any possibility of finding love and focused on my son whom I had with my late boyfriend. For some time now, my mother has been encouraging me to go out more and meet people, so I went to a party organised by one of my colleagues and I met this dashing young man. We started texting afterwards, and now I can say my heart is drawn towards him. The only problem is – he is just 25 years old! He has a good job and confesses he loves me, but I have not been able to introduce him to anyone as I am not sure what their reaction would be. For now, we only get to meet in hotels. Although he has invited me over to his house a couple of times but I am not sure I am ready to face the fact that we are 9 years apart in age! We’ve been seeing for 5 months now and I just don’t know what to do. I would like to tell my mum, but I am afraid she might die of the shock! Is it ok to date someone 9 years younger than me? Do we have a future together? I really want to know what the visitors of this site think. You are doing a great job, Steph. God bless! – Onome

Dear Stephanie,

For as long as I can remember, my mother favours my sister above me. I am two years older and I have never had a close relationship with my sister because my mother treats her special as if she is made of gold, and I of bronze! My sister excelled better in school because she was never made to do domestic chores like me. I would sweep, clean and wash while my mother would send my sister on fancy errands. This has affected me throughout my life and even pushed me to ask my father if I was really their daughter. My sister runs a good business and also got married last month and my mother would not stop singing her praise and making me feel worthless. Nothing seems to work out for me and it is driving me deep into depression. I am 31 and I am just tired of living! – Amaka

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Hey Amaka, I trust that, in one way or another, the comments that will come in will help you through this phase in your life. My people, let’s give Amaka some good advice. Your comments are appreciated!

Dear Stephanie,

I have been dating my boyfriend for four years now and deep down I know he wants to get married to me just as much as I want to be his wife, but the problem is that his mother just doesn’t like me! No matter what I do, she looks at me disapprovingly as if I am not good enough for her son. How do I handle this matter? I know she is the one delaying my boyfriend from proposing. I am not getting younger! – Eunice

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Hey Dearies! How should Eunice approach this issue?

Hello Dearies!

Life is a roller-coaster, isn’t it? Sometimes you just want someone to hold your hand and listen to what you have to say. Challenges abound, and even though we may not have all the answers to all we are confronted with daily, we can build avenues where our fears, challenges and worries can be addressed.

You have that platform here. So share your issues and let’s see how others can help.

Emeka shares his problem…

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My Boss hates me!

Dear Stephanie,

I am being verbally abused by my boss, and I am just tired of it! I am a 37 year old man happily married with two kids. But lately I have been losing my temper quickly and I suspect it is my own way of handling the situation in the office. Last time I shouted at my wife for no concrete reason, and she said I have changed. I do not want to ruin the peace in my house and I do not want to lose my job. How do I deal with the situation? – Emeka

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How do you think Emeka should approach this matter with his boss?